What's That Riding on Your Everything?: May 2010

It has recently come to my attention that I might not have discussed my behavior this past year very well. First of all I am going to say that I am sorry if I have behaved in a way that has hurt any of your feelings.

For starters I would like to go over the reasons for why I dropped several classes at semester. This year I have been battling with anxiety and depression, which largely account for my absences anytime before march. To be honest, taking all those classes was really starting to wear down on me because I just couldn’t keep up. Family issues plus my own deep rooted problems that were coming forth made keeping up nearly impossible and when I couldn’t I only felt worse about myself. So to make a long story short I was overwhelmed and needed to rethink my priorities. When I did I realized that for the goals I really wanted to achieve I already had met and exceeded all of the standards necessary. So I took advantage of my hard work and made some choices to better my health. I mean I already had enough credits to graduate last year and I am hella well-rounded. I often felt that I was letting you down because I felt as though you would view me as a slacker but I talked it over with my counselor and she agreed that it was better for me.

Next I would like to address the issue of lunch. I stopped coming because I felt like I was being shut out. I would go for the entire lunch period without anybody engaging me in conversation and I felt like every time I tried to talk to you that I was shut down. I sensed a general disinterest in anything I had to say or anything I was doing. So when this started factoring into how my entire day went, I left and started eating at home then eventually I started eating in the band room where I have spent lunch since because there was always somebody who would listen to me or include me in the conversation.

As soon as semester ended and I got my new schedule I started to feel better. I didn’t always feel like I was letting myself down and that others were constantly judging me. But I was still having a hard time living with my decision. I felt that things were hopeless and seriously considered giving up on any future I had once planned. If it weren’t for Lauren I don’t think I would have made it to March. She was there for me anytime I needed her, even if she had to drop other plans for me. She kept my mind off of what I looked at as failures and praised me for doing what was right for me rather than what was right for others. She talked me through rough patches and I seriously owe her my life.

Take what you may with this information but I swear to God if anybody tries to use it against me, there will be serious consequences. I am tired of being weak and feeling like I am looked down upon by my peers. I hope that clearing this up will ensure that I am no longer pushed around and walked on because I am not putting up with it anymore. It would have been nice if everyone had made more of an effort towards finding out for yourselves what was going on with me, but like I said before I felt like no one was taking an interest in me and I looked for help elsewhere. I feel so angry about this because it shouldn’t have happened at all. You could make the case that I wasn’t putting any effort forth but when you are in a serious depression it isn’t easy to talk to people because you are literally petrified to even be seen in public. I hope that none of you have ever been in that situation but please try to understand where I am coming from. I don’t hate you. I am not mad at you. I am frustrated that we are in this situation. I am frustrated that I put so much value into what other people though of me or the things I did. I have gained an odd gift through the darkest part of my life so far. I have learned that it is good to confide in friends but it is also important to be independent. I did most of my own healing. No person should have to pull themselves out of that dark of a place it’s impossible, and I couldn’t. I found my friend in Lauren and I thank God that I had her, because if I didn’t, I don’t know where I would be today.

I don’t blame any of you. I know that the only person responsible for this was me. I didn’t have to feel that way, but other factors that I am not going to share made it nearly impossible for me to be self-sufficient and it took a long time to recover. In fact I am still recovering and it is hard not to dwell on the things that sent me down in the first place. I’m not sorry that my behavior this year was less than favorable because I came out stronger in the end. So in a way I am glad that things have gone down this road, I have learned a lot about myself and my values. This explanation is what you get, and it is enough.

Every kid loves holidays. Presents, candy, good food.

Halloween- a shit-load of candy and a frickin’ sweet costume

Thanksgiving- food and that one parade they play on NBC

Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza- food and presents

New years- okay this one is kinda lame but stay with me

Valentines Day- more candy and those fuzzy feelings you get from your Scooby-Do Valentine card

St. Patrick's Day- corned beef and cabbage (well if you are me)

But then there is Easter

Fuck Easter, it's supposed to be about Jesus not a scary fucking monster bunny breaking into your house to steal, of all things, eggs. What the hell? How does that idea not scare the living shit out of you? Yeah, sure 'Santa' is a man who breaks in and leaves you cool toys. But the Easter Bunny does it to move some colorful eggs.

If you are still not convinced, how about these photos that keep popping up around my web-ventures.