The year in review.

It has recently come to my attention that I might not have discussed my behavior this past year very well. First of all I am going to say that I am sorry if I have behaved in a way that has hurt any of your feelings.


For starters I would like to go over the reasons for why I dropped several classes at semester. This year I have been battling with anxiety and depression, which largely account for my absences anytime before march. To be honest, taking all those classes was really starting to wear down on me because I just couldn’t keep up. Family issues plus my own deep rooted problems that were coming forth made keeping up nearly impossible and when I couldn’t I only felt worse about myself. So to make a long story short I was overwhelmed and needed to rethink my priorities. When I did I realized that for the goals I really wanted to achieve I already had met and exceeded all of the standards necessary. So I took advantage of my hard work and made some choices to better my health. I mean I already had enough credits to graduate last year and I am hella well-rounded. I often felt that I was letting you down because I felt as though you would view me as a slacker but I talked it over with my counselor and she agreed that it was better for me.

Next I would like to address the issue of lunch. I stopped coming because I felt like I was being shut out. I would go for the entire lunch period without anybody engaging me in conversation and I felt like every time I tried to talk to you that I was shut down. I sensed a general disinterest in anything I had to say or anything I was doing. So when this started factoring into how my entire day went, I left and started eating at home then eventually I started eating in the band room where I have spent lunch since because there was always somebody who would listen to me or include me in the conversation.

As soon as semester ended and I got my new schedule I started to feel better. I didn’t always feel like I was letting myself down and that others were constantly judging me. But I was still having a hard time living with my decision. I felt that things were hopeless and seriously considered giving up on any future I had once planned. If it weren’t for Lauren I don’t think I would have made it to March. She was there for me anytime I needed her, even if she had to drop other plans for me. She kept my mind off of what I looked at as failures and praised me for doing what was right for me rather than what was right for others. She talked me through rough patches and I seriously owe her my life.

Take what you may with this information but I swear to God if anybody tries to use it against me, there will be serious consequences. I am tired of being weak and feeling like I am looked down upon by my peers. I hope that clearing this up will ensure that I am no longer pushed around and walked on because I am not putting up with it anymore. It would have been nice if everyone had made more of an effort towards finding out for yourselves what was going on with me, but like I said before I felt like no one was taking an interest in me and I looked for help elsewhere. I feel so angry about this because it shouldn’t have happened at all. You could make the case that I wasn’t putting any effort forth but when you are in a serious depression it isn’t easy to talk to people because you are literally petrified to even be seen in public. I hope that none of you have ever been in that situation but please try to understand where I am coming from. I don’t hate you. I am not mad at you. I am frustrated that we are in this situation. I am frustrated that I put so much value into what other people though of me or the things I did. I have gained an odd gift through the darkest part of my life so far. I have learned that it is good to confide in friends but it is also important to be independent. I did most of my own healing. No person should have to pull themselves out of that dark of a place it’s impossible, and I couldn’t. I found my friend in Lauren and I thank God that I had her, because if I didn’t, I don’t know where I would be today.

I don’t blame any of you. I know that the only person responsible for this was me. I didn’t have to feel that way, but other factors that I am not going to share made it nearly impossible for me to be self-sufficient and it took a long time to recover. In fact I am still recovering and it is hard not to dwell on the things that sent me down in the first place. I’m not sorry that my behavior this year was less than favorable because I came out stronger in the end. So in a way I am glad that things have gone down this road, I have learned a lot about myself and my values. This explanation is what you get, and it is enough.

And people think my fears are irrational...

Every kid loves holidays. Presents, candy, good food.




Halloween- a shit-load of candy and a frickin’ sweet costume



Thanksgiving- food and that one parade they play on NBC



Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza- food and presents



New years- okay this one is kinda lame but stay with me



Valentines Day- more candy and those fuzzy feelings you get from your Scooby-Do Valentine card



St. Patrick's Day- corned beef and cabbage (well if you are me)



But then there is Easter

Fuck Easter, it's supposed to be about Jesus not a scary fucking monster bunny breaking into your house to steal, of all things, eggs. What the hell? How does that idea not scare the living shit out of you? Yeah, sure 'Santa' is a man who breaks in and leaves you cool toys. But the Easter Bunny does it to move some colorful eggs.

If you are still not convinced, how about these photos that keep popping up around my web-ventures. 

 No. Not okay

What?

One kid's got it right

It gets worse...

...

and even more so...

I just don't even know

Haha just kidding, I couln't resist but still fucking creepy.

Oh dear god I will never sleep again. 

It's legit. It's scary. It should be stopped.

I Can Communicate With Animals

Well it's true, I can.  Some may think that talking to your animals makes you a spinster but they actually respond to me, so perhaps not.
Y'know or it means that I am bonkers.
Either way, it is still pretty cool, my animal-talking abilites.
For example, a few weeks ago I was driving a coffee up to work for my brother and a family of quail started to cross the street.  Instead of running them down I slowed to a stop until all but one had crossed.
I looked at the little guy.
He looked at me.
I waved him across.
And he crossed.
It was basically amazing.
Then yesterday I witnessed two ducks crossing the road and the driver infront of me stopped for them.  I know I have a friend in that person. 
Later last night I also spoke with a stray cat and instead of running away, when I asked it to leave it got up and walked away.

So in conclusion, my superpower is the ability to communicate with animals.

Mortality is a funny thing.

Well that's kinda it, I guess. What else is there to say? To know that someday you're going to just not be here anymore is like I don't know, trying to imagine something that's impossible.


Makes you want to believe in heaven or reincarnation or something.

I can't imagine what I would do if I lost anybody I know. Well I can but you never really know you know?

It's like doing a virtual simulator; you can make up all the situations and reactions but never really know what to do when the real thing happens.

I don't want to think about that, but it seems like a lot of things in my life have caused me to lately.

uhg, not good. I just hope this isn’t some karmic sign, I really should make an effort to tell the people I love that I love them though... just in case.



damnit buffy.

This is about sex

I was looking up Harry Potter on DeviantArt (great site for artists, once you wade through all the cosplay and anime fanart...)

And after who knows how long I came across this:

"Weasley, if you have a rash there, go see Madam Pomphrey."

Rights to picture belong to Svenly, blah blah blah.

This is not about sex

You know what terrifies me more than anything?
College.
Yeah I am totally that pathetic little girl who's afraid to leave mommy. Oh but wait, no I'm not.

I'm a lot more fucking insane then your average 18-year-old.
How do I know this? I just do.
Here's a check-list
Hate to be disorganized, yet my room is in shambles? (check)
Stupidly in love with someone I'll never have a chance with? (check)
Blame self for other's wrong doing, or at least feel guilty about it? (check)
hate procrastinating and do it anyways? *COUGHCOUGH* right now *COUGHCOUGH*
(check)
Oh yeah, and there is the little matter of this being one of my stumbles... (check- plus what the fuck?)

That's not all the reasons but I also have an amazingly short attention span, so I am going to force myself to write some more.  Maybe I'll finish the damn chapter and go to bed.

Remember Me

This morning I awoke to a bit of a head cold that was barely noticeable around my burning throat. When my dear friend Lauren called I sadly had to back out of the plans that we made (like saving her from shopping...) and decided to laze around the house all day instead. I cleaned and read and ate. Oh, and I set up our brand new and BEAUTIFUL computer.




Then Matt asked if I wanted to see a movie called The Runaways with Kirsten Stewart and Dakota Fanning playing two of those lovely ladies. Well turns out it's a limited release, meaning little ole Spokompton won't show it unless it breaks the box office. Anyways, that's not the point, instead he pointed out a different movie. Remember Me.



Now, now. Hang on. Yeah Robert Pattinson (what's with the Twilight stars Emma?) is the lead and the previews make it out to be another cheesy romance drama where everything ends up all cheeky and fine in the end. But the reviews were intriguing---



So I figured, "Hey, why not? At least I will be able to back up my dislike of Robert Pattinson..."



I get off my butt, shower, get dressed. Y’know- I don't try too hard because, well, I'm just lazy.



Little did I know that I was in store for a life-changing movie. Sure the plot isn't too original, but the acting and cinematography more than make up for it. This isn't just an Indy type love story, like Garden State (which I actually really like). It's more than that.



The characters are like real people. The lines are delivered like normal conversation and you really fall for them.



But that's not it either. No



There are these details. Little, tiny things that you don't even think about until the end. And it is the end that changes everything. This movie does not end like any other I have ever seen.



You can't deny yourself that one thing that you wanted most, if only for the off chance that you won't make it through dinner to that yummy desert because of a meteorite. Or a bomb. Or a gunshot.



I only have one thing to say to one person- But that will have to wait.